Why the Obsession with Validation?

Jul 02, 2022
Why the Obsession with Validation?

Because to children, their feelings are everything. 

When we reject their feelings, we reject them. 

Rejected people have no desire to do good in life. 

Everything we’ve been taught in life and everything we’ve experienced has sent us ONE message and one message only...


When we cry, people tell us to stop crying. That we must do sabr (patience). (Yaqoob (as) cried till he went blind- what’s wrong with crying?) 

When we hurt, people try to tell us why we shouldn’t be hurt.. that it’s ok, that it’s Allah’s will. To feel pain is also from Allah. What’s wrong with hurting? Sometimes we’re NOT ok. Why must we always be ok?

When we’re mad at something, people tell us we’re being badtameez (rude). It’s human nature to protest that which violates our hearts and souls. Why can’t we respectfully express our contention? 

When we’re happy, people tell us to hide our happiness. “Nazr lag jaye ge” (You’ll jinx your happiness). Um ok. That’s why we have special prayers for nazr. That’s why we have faith. 

The truth is that feelings make everyone uncomfortable. 

The expression of those feelings makes everyone even more uncomfortable. 

We just want them to STOP. To go away. To not exist. 

There’s a problem with trying to shut out feelings though. 

When we shut out bad feelings, we also shut out the good ones. This is not a selective procedure. It’s an all or nothing procedure. 

Then we feel nothing. Or pretend to feel nothing. 

Then we wonder why the heck life is so blah. Why we feel so blah. So dead inside. How come nothing is joyful. 

Look at children. Look at their intense joy at the smallest of things. 

We take that and we turn it into nothingness by our own discomfort. 

Remember the part where we can’t block out the negative feelings without also blocking out the positive ones? Yup. 

Then we have a nation filled with anger, resentment, anguish and numbness. We have a nation that needs anti-depressants just to get through life. 

What we all truly need is validation. Validation that my pain is real. My suffering is real. No matter what YOUR perspective is, I still feel pain, anger, hurt, sadness. 

We ALL want someone who sees our pain. Who heeds our cries. Who doesn’t try to “solution it all away”. Just that.. just that allowance to feel our feelings sets us free. Allows us to heal. 

Someone sees me. Someone hears me. 

That’s it. That’s what life is all about. 

And THAT, my friends, is what validation is.