The Only Magical Parenting ToolJul 02, 2022
I’m the first person to tell you that there are no magical solutions in parenting, no instant “fixes”.
Except, there IS one thing that TRULY has a magical effect if you try it with all your heart and soul in it.
And if you’ve spent any amount of time in this group then you know what I’m talking about.
(Apnay bachon kai behavior kai peechay jo ehsas hai, us ko samjhna aur uss ka aiteraaf karna. Bajye samjhnay kai kai agr takleef ko chupaian gai tou khatam Ho jaye ge.)
Always always we want to say YES to the feelings even while we say NO to the behavior.
Even while we seek to help our child stop the unwanted behavior, we continue to validate the feelings that triggered the behavior.
In any situation. In every situation.
From when they ask for something you can't give them to when they full on throw themselves on the floor in the grocery store...
Validate. Validate. Validate.
And why does it help to calm our children? Why is it “magical”?
Because all any of us ever want is to be understood. Even kids. We ALL just want to be understood and loved through our hardest moments.
As soon as we feel understood, our brain quiets down. Our soul feels fulfilled.
“I’m loved,” you think. And that’s enough ?
Examples: “You’re sad because I didn’t buy you that toy. You really wanted that toy...”
“You’re angry because your sister snatched your toy.. it’s hard sharing things with her...”
“You’re frustrated because the tower keeps falling down when you want it to stay up... would you like some help?”
“You miss me because I’m in the kitchen and you want to play with me...”
“You’re sad because I’m going to work and you wish I wasn’t...”
The words aren't enough though.
For you to truly see the magic of validation, you have to make sure the following things are in check:
1- There are no ifs and buts in your empathetic words.
2- You're not offering any solutions.
3- You truly ARE empathetic. You've placed yourself in your child's shoes and SEE their pain.
4- You're really truly accepting their negative emotions as normal and ok and even welcome.
5- You're not offering validation as a means to "fix" anything or make the difficult emotions stop.
6- Your whole demeanor is accepting and welcoming... you're not absent-mindedly nodding or saying words you don't feel.
And once you master this art... the art of sitting with your child in their feelings, allowing them to feel the feelings... you'll see how much easier it gets for them to handle those big emotions.