Joint Family SystemJul 04, 2022
One thing that keeps coming up is, “If we validate our kids while they’re struggling (tantrum, anger etc.) then others judge us.” Now ideally, yes we shouldn’t care what others think of us but that’s a destination that I hope you’ll all reach one day (definitely took me a bunch of years).
Until then, your peace of mind is important too, so to maintain that and minimize drama with the people surrounding you... try this!
Let your child know that you don’t like how others respond to them when they struggle, so you’ll be bringing them to your room when you detect a problem.
“Remember that time when you hit so and so.. was it a good feeling?”
“No, it wasn’t mama...”
“Then your brain flipped it’s lid and oh my!”
“Yes. That didn’t feel good.”
“Right. But then others started scolding you too and then things got even tougher. Next time, is it ok if I save you?”
“Yes. So no one else gets mad at you. Then we come here and talk about what happened. But we’ll be alone and no one will be upset with you.”
“Will it be because I’m being bad?”
“You’re not bad. Sometimes all our brains flip their lids. That’s why we have each other to help get the lid back on! Can you also help me when my lid is off?”
“Great! How about we have a secret signal and I’ll show you our signal to say it’s time to escape!”
“Yes! What should it be?”
Come up with a secret signal (kids love signals)... and then next time something happens, afix a serious expression on your face as you walk towards your child with determination, flash them your secret signal so they know this isn’t a punishment... and proceed to pick them or walk them to your room.
Once there, proceed with the co-regulation process.
Now when others see you marching off with your child, they will be satisfied thinking you’re about to “whip them into shape”. 😉￼
I’ve actually done this in the past and it works well. I’ve even had the same adults who wanted to smack my kid suddenly say “oh kho bacha hai chor do!” 😏 (leave him, he’s just a kid!”)
Not only will you be protecting yourself from prying eyes, but you’ll also be creating a connection with your child where they’ll feel you’re both on the same team! 💗
More on dealing with surrounding adults:
What’s the “brain flipped it’s lid” story? Watch here